the grody yogi

There is this guy at hot yoga who is really truly disgusting. He is gross, or grody, if you will. But not only that but he's irritating as well.

He harshes on my zen.

I've tried to move my mat but there is simply nowhere to go. His grody oozes everywhere and is capable of reaching all four corners of that tiny little hot universe.

He is inescapable, is what I'm trying to say.

Before class begins, everyone, and I mean everyone, lies perfectly still on their mat. I call it the "melting phase". It's the part of class where you take your last bit of rest, or melt into your mat because it's really hot in there, and wait for the real test of patience to come. You pretend to be dead as a last ditch effort to escape what's about to happen.

A contemplation of sorts. Like, why am I here? In this room, I mean, not on the earth. That's a whole different post.

Once the class starts your contemplation changes from defining your purpose in that moment to trying to figure out "if I were a real stuck pig, how would I get out of here?"

Anyway, this guy, this grody yogi, he doesn't lie still. He moves incessantly BEFORE the class has even begun.

He does yoga.

Hard core yoga. The stuff one strives for when one is me. Grunting, gasping, convoluting yoga. He is in a constant state of moving, flowing yoga.

He is distracting. And annoying.

He does it at the end as well. When everyone else, and I mean everyone, is lying still in corpse pose, the man is moving and writhing and grunting and groaning.

I want to yell "ENOUGH!" but that is so the opposite of zen quietness.

The real icing, proverbial of course, is his constant snorting and blowing of his nose through the class. Every 3 minutes or so he makes a sound as though he is preparing his passage ways to hock a loogie......pardon my French.

When he actually blows his nose he brings forth a towel to his entire face and blows. Like a mighty wind. He then rubs the towel all over his face and throws it to the floor only to repeat every so often.

The snorting, though. The snorting is what really wreaks havoc with my balance and my sense of calm and lack of desire to run someone over in my truck.

Really it does.

It's so gross.

This is the conversation I imagine having with this ultra bendy but freakishly gross man:

Me: Dude, sit still. Why do you have to be so hyperactive? Just relax. Look around you. Can you see we are all relaxing?

Him: Oh, I'm sorry. So sorry. Is my constant motion irritating unto you?

Me: Why, yes it is. Thank you so much for noticing that you are not the only person in this scorching hot room. Do you see how I am lying here? All dead-like? Do you see that everyone else is doing it too? It's called corpse pose and it really is the bomb. Here, why don't you try it. Lie still. Find peace and contentment in this moment. I think in this case conformity would be your best option for survival.

Him: Well.......I prefer to move about. Grunting and groaning and snorting my boogers from one spot in my head to another. However, I see now your wisdom in lying perfectly still when everyone else is so as to not drive everyone mental. I will adhere from this moment on. I see now that I am obnoxious and I do so sincerely apologize.

Me: That's awesome, man. I knew you'd see the light, if you were only still long enough to look for it.

Him: Is there anything else I can do to make your hot yoga experience more pleasant for you?

Me: Well, since you asked and all. You can go to the bathroom before class begins and clear your head of all that pesky mucus you seem to be in eternal supply of. Just go get it all out right now so your poor wife, if you have a wife, doesn't have to wash that disgusting crunchy towel you're sporting there.

Him: That is a most excellent idea. Thank you for your amazing patience and knowledge. I'm off to the washroom right now.

At this point, I will close my eyes, lie perfectly still and resume contemplation.

Namaste.