blue

I'm blue. I'm not sure it could be classified as depression but I'm most certainly blue. No motivation, no happy smiles, no patience.

Every year I dread the first snow fall. It keeps me up at night. I get a stomach ache during the contemplation of it. This year it seemed worse but I'm sure there is an explanation for that. Like, being alone. The man is still gone so if the truck breaks down, I'm on my own. If I crash it, I'm on my own. If I get stranded, I'm on my own. I don't like being on my own and I don't like the first snow fall.

I don't mind the cold so much. I have warm mitts and a warm coat. I don't spend endless amounts of time outside, it's doable.

I hate the roads. It's so dangerous on the roads and everyone seems to be on them at the same time.

"Where are you all going?!?!" I have been yelling this at my windshield a lot.

Is there such a thing as situational depression? Because I think that's what I have. I don't like my situation. I feel trapped.

I love this house, no question. It's so nice and cozy and done so beautifully. The designer is a rock star.

What I don't like is:
- location. I am all alone out here.
- financial situation. We want to sell the house but now is a bad time. A really bad time. So we wait. I don't 'wait' well.
- job situation. The man has to work out of town right now which creates all kinds of issues. Like should we move out of the city? Should he change jobs?
- house hunt. Where should we move to after this? Because it is the final move for a VERY long time I have to give it more than my usual 5 minutes of thought.

I usually go house hunting and find what "will do" and buy it. It takes exactly 5 minutes of my time. It is how I have bought every house we have ever lived in.

Now, it needs to be something I love somewhere I love or I'll get restless and anxious and start contemplating another move. But where? So many things to consider. Job, schools, family, weather........

Self induced misery. That is what this is. I did this all to myself (with the help of the man who actually instigated it but I was on board so it's my fault too)

The silver lining. There is one, there always is and I can see it, don't worry.

One, we will sell this house and fulfill its destiny and make our final move. Where? Don't even get me started, the options seem endless.

Two, the man comes home this week. Only to turn around and go back, probably, if he can't find a job here. But we're not thinking about that.

Three, the snowman. There is little old man who rides a riding snow removal thingie around the block over and over and over again when it's snowing. I love him. We call him "the snowman". He is an angel in the disguise of an old man who is in love with his toys and spreads that love around the block so that lonely sad people like me don't have to shovel their walk when the snow starts to fall........

.......... and then never stops.