my life's ambitions. part 1

I wasn't going to blog about this until it was settled and I was enrolled somewhere but I can not, for the life of me, get a grip on it. So I am blogging about it with the hope that one of two outcomes will occur. Real simple-like:

1. I figure it out myself by spewing it forth somewhere other than the inside of my head.

or

2. Someone just tells me what to do and I like what I hear and so I do it.

Let's start at the very beginning. Because it's a very good place to start.

We've talked about this before but let's review, shall we? When I was in grade 12, towards the end of the 1st semester, our teachers started talking about University. They said things like "I hope you know what you want to take," and "it's time to start thinking about where you want to apply," and "I hope your grades are good so you can even get in"...... or something very much to that effect.

I remember thinking to myself, university? We are supposed to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives already? One day, I felt particularly bogged down by these thoughts and so I skipped something insignificant, like math or social studies, and walked to Mac's and bought a box of smarties. I, then, wandered the halls of Bowness High pondering two things. One, I knew I wanted to go to university but I didn't have a clue about what to take. And two, why didn't I have a clue about what I wanted to take?

Why had no one talked to me about this before?

I mean, I knew I wanted to be a mom but I was certain that wasn't going to be a substitute for other things. Those other things might have to take a back burner to being a mom for awhile because when the time came being a mom was going to come first and, also, I was hellbent on being home with my kids. But still......those other things? What were they going to be?

I wandered those smelly high school halls going through my likes and dislikes. My interests and disinterests. I could be a teacher. Wait.....no I couldn't. That sounded horrible from the get go. Being a lawyer sounded pretty cool but I needed to take into account the level of laziness that lived somewhere between my love for Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place.

I'm musical, I thought to myself. What on earth could I do with that?

Concert pianist. It was the most romantic notion I'd ever had. I could hardly wait to share it with Gail, my spectacularly beautiful piano teacher.

As soon as I got home I started looking into it. What it required of me was many hours of practice a day for the next few months as I prepared to audition for Mount Royal and the University.

And practice I did. The tips of my fingers were tingly for 3 months. I was preparing the fastest little Bach piece I'd ever heard. I learned it back to front. And then front to back. I don't even think Bach knew that song as well as I did. I also prepared something slow and haunting. To this day I love that song.

What was it called again?

Auditions came and went and I was accepted into both institutions. I chose the University. September came, I started school, full time class loads and 3-6 hours of practicing a day and it didn't take long to see that this program and my laziness level did not jive. I lacked passion and drive. This was not what I wanted. I decided to finish out the year and transfer into another faculty.

I was barely 18 years old........