my life's ambitions. the finale

What is this place, you ask? What has the last four days been about? What is she going on and on and on about? Well, let me tell you. The last four days of me babbling away has led me to this place where I think I have it figured out. Or at least I have found the road that will lead me to a place that is all figured out.

And that was the point. Was it not?

My options are so different and so all over the place depending on what it is I wanted. But when I sat down and tried to figure that part out I was so overwhelmed with trying to pinpoint where my thoughts started and where they ended. I decided to talk it out.

Or write it out, so to speak. This is what began, 4 days ago. My life's ambitions. What are they?

So the writing began and guess what? It worked! Oh glory day! It worked. The last few days I have weighed and measured my choices and compared and contrasted them to what I want in the future. I have crossed things off the list and added things that were never there before. I have made plans and appointments and there are knots in my stomach that are related to excitement and eagerness and not stress and anxiety.

I have a new lease on life, now that my life has been given back to me, and I can see a future that actually excites me.

What is she talking about?? I know, this is what you are thinking and that's okay because that's what I say to myself many times everyday.

What am I talking about? What is it I am trying to say? Let me spell it out.

At first I thought I would try and finish my Criminology degree online through Simon Fraser University. This was the path I was headed in for many years. But now that I've looked into it it isn't what I want. Many of my courses that transferred 18 years ago don't transfer now. The course load is heavy despite the fact that it's online. The outcome of that is that I have a degree in Criminology, which is super cool, no? But, like I said, how many Criminologists do you know?

Exactly.

It does sound interesting and exciting but it doesn't feel right.

Then I started looking into finishing a degree in Social Work and that feels so wrong it almost makes me angry. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Social Worker. They work hard and they get trashed on on a regular basis and they don't get paid enough and I have seen enough of that life to know that I do not want to go to university to come out with a degree for a career that has a fast burnout rate and a high level of frustration. I am a foster parent. I already give what I can to this community. I want something different.

Social work. Not for me.

Then I started to entertain thoughts of pure gluttony. Like, maybe I'll do something silly and get a degree in Psychology or English or Sociology or Philosophy. You know, something totally interesting and yet completely useless.

This is what intrigues me the most, I will admit. I would love to read books and write essays that dazzle. I would love to say to people "I have a degree in English." I think that sounds romantic and enchanting.

Now, before all you English, Psychology, Sociology and Philosophy majors get all up in my face about your degrees not being meaningful and worthy of majoring in just remember that I have been a full time mom for the past 14 years. I am all about efficiency. I am all about how you pack a diaper bag so you have the most stuff you may need but have it weigh the least amount it can weigh. I am all about how you can get the most groceries on the tightest budget. I am all about how you can get the least amount of clothes for your boys to last the longest amount of time.

Efficiency. Bang for your buck. And I'm not just talking about money. I am talking about time.

Maybe I want to go and get a Masters and if I knew that for sure then I would play around in English and fill my soul with literary delights. Or maybe I would philosophize and ponder life's great wonders. If I knew I wanted to be a nurse or a teacher then this would be easy.

The thing is, I don't know what kind of career I am going to have, I'm too much of a mind-changer and a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I like to keep my options open. But I am also interested in using my time wisely. So I need to focus my time on something that not only interests me but may also be useful when I am done. Whether I am done after a degree or after a masters.

Or maybe I'll do one semester and decide that sitting on my duff for the next three years writing a novel with the most amazing title you ever heard knowing perfectly well that it may never be published is what I want to do.

That is the scariest thought of them all. One that leaves me trembling from the "least-efficient" shakes. It's definitely the cheapest option. No one can argue with that.

The point I have been trying to make is that I have decided to give school another go. You know, now that I am serious and all growed up and all. I am enrolling in the U of Calgary and I am pursuing the idea of getting a BA in Communications.

And this is exciting, people. I meet with someone next Thursday to go over my decision and get the ball rolling and maybe have a few questions cleared up.

Like where do I park?

Kidding. Sort of.

I'm going to go easy the first semester to get my feet wet because, who are we kidding, I am old and rusty and need to ease in carefully. Plus, I need to make sure my family does not fall apart because I am swamped by English classes.

Oh yes, people, there will be many English classes taken.

Now, the next step is make my work horse husband see the value in this endeavor and that it will be worth the money. At least for my own happiness and fulfillment.

There's no price tag for that, is there?

I am sorry if this has been a let down at all for any of you in any way. The build up to this measly back to school decision has been a doozy. But I feel like the bang on my end was worth it. The purpose I wanted it to serve has been served. I have found a path that makes me tingle from anticipation.

I am excited! Do you know how long it has been since I have been this excited about anything?

My deepest thanks to all of you for reading my wee blog and putting up with my inability to make a decision quietly. Like, in my own head. You are a loyal bunch and I thank....

thank.......

thank you.

Yours truly,