buy deodorant and shower every other day

Have you ever had a text fight? You know, a fight only through text and it leaves you wondering what the heck just happened.

"What the heck just happened here?" I said to myself Monday morning after the man and I had turned two texts into a slice of marital dysfunction to add to our dysfunctional marital pizza pie.

He went to work, it was a holiday, he always works on holidays and everything was fine. We texted a couple of times, everything was fine. But then I decided that I was down right ticked that once again I was home with kids and a dirty house and company and a dinner to prepare whilst he was the only working carpenter in the country.

National holiday. Why can he not embrace the national holiday like everyone else? Why does he fight it so?

This used to be an argument we had in the "early years", the whole take the holiday off thing, but then I stopped arguing with him because I never won and he fights dirty. I don't like dirty fighters, I think they're cheaters, so I choose not to fight. It's worked out pretty good, we don't fight that much. But every now and then I decide that my tongue is numb from all the biting so I say something.

This time it was via text. But it just slipped out. There was no control. It just happened.

What he hears is a tad unfair, I'll grant him that because remember? I've been biting my tongue so he doesn't even know I'm at boiling point.

Anyway, two texts later and it's on.

What the heck just happened?

Sooooooo.....Holden, who is 9, and this was not a smooth segue, is taking Sexual Education at school and I find this very humorous. Now, I am the kind of mom who sits with my kids and I pull out the books and I tell them everything they need to know about love and sex and babies and puberty and zits and pubic hair and armpit hair and wet dreams and erections and periods and cramps and tampons and sperm and eggs and tubes and all that fun stuff. I make sure they have their facts straight. Straight facts from me, their mother, the one who knows all and isn't going to tip toe around anything that might be confusing unto them or their little minds.

I start in grade 4, just like the schools, and I tell them a tad more than the school tells them ( and by tad I mean everything) so in grade 5 they aren't 1) shocked and 2) behind everyone else who's been talking about it because their older siblings have been playing with their minds since grade 4.

They used to send home forms for a signature but from what I can tell the elementary schools are not doing that anymore and for the past couple of years I have been blindsided with surprise questions and comments directly related to sexual education. I did not sign a form for Holden and he's taking sexual education.

But this is a totally different concern altogether. I did, however, sign forms for the older two so my guess is that middle schools still have their crap together and that also, they are getting into the nitty gritty.

Whatever. Not the point. Yesterday, whilst cleaning up, I came across some school work on the floor. It was on the floor because in this house we don't have tables or desks or counters or dressers or anywhere to put stuff on except the floor. Only floors, lots and lots of floors. So, naturally, he put it on the floor.

It was Holden's. It was sexual education homework. I read it and I laughed. It was called Advice Corner and it said this: Now that you know more about puberty, you will find that your friends come to you for advice on all sorts of things. Below are some of their questions. What will you tell them?

Holden did not answer them all. If it had anything to do with a girl he wouldn't touch it. Bras and periods and cramps?? No way.

Question: I don't want to shave yet but people keep telling me I should. What should I do?

Holden's Answer: If you want to, do it. If you don't, don't.

Sound advice, Holden.

Question: I feel so bad - my friends told me I stink after gym class. What can I do?

Holden's Answer: Buy a stick of deodorant and shower every other day.

That's my boy. Logical.

Question: My skin is always breaking out. I bought some medicine, but it's not working. Can a doctor give you a pill for this?

Ummm, are we asking a 9 year old what a doctor can give pills for? This 9 year old has been to the doctor 3 times in his entire life. Which is obvious since his answer was: Buy cream.

Fake kid bought 'medicine', wants to know if the doctor can give a pill instead, and my son said 'buy cream'. My advice would be to not ask my son for advice.

And finally, question: This person on my track team has feet that smell just gross after every practice. Should I tell him to see a doctor?

Holden's answer: No. I would tell him to buy deodorant and shower every other day.

I was going to ask Holden how I should handle this texting fight I had with his father but I am afraid he'll tell me to buy deodorant and shower every other day.

I don't know, the kid is pretty put together. Maybe I'll give it a go.