my own mother

If I was my own mother (not my actual mother, but me as my own mother. Get it?) I would nag myself to death with some very true and much needed blasts of wisdom and all-knowingness. I imagine today's conversation going something like this:

My own mother: Catherine, why do you stay up so late watching netflix in your bed? You know that creates bad habits and makes you tired in the day. I realize you just had a month off school and you got spoiled with late nights and sleep ins but I'm putting my foot down. GO TO SLEEP.

Me: I know that, mom. Gosh. I never get a free minute to myself you know. And there is always someone around irritating the youknowwhat out of me. So sadly, when I do get a free moment it just so happens to be real late-like.

My own mother: There is no excuse, and if there is I don't want to hear it. Another thing, you eat too much sugar. Sugar does weird things to you. Surely you know that.

Me: Geez, yes, I know that. It was just Christmas time. Cut me some slack. And don't call me Shirley.

Hahahahahahaha

My own mother (eyes rolling): There is no slack to be cut. God gave you a brain. USE IT. You know how to eat healthy, so DO IT.

Also, you need to be more organized. The laundry got way out of hand last week. Since you are back to school now it might behoove you to make a schedule and stick to it.

Me: Since when did you get all fancy with your words. Behoove you?

My own mother: Don't sass me.

Me: You know I don't do well with self imposed schedules. I disregard them the first chance I get. Then I feel like a failure. Do you want me to feel like a failure?

My own mother (eyes rolling. Again): I'm done talking to you. You heard me. Get your crap together, it's time you started acting like a responsible adult.

Youknowwhatimean?

Me: Yes, bossy pants. Geez. Gosh. Man. Errrrrrr. Iknowwhatyoumean.

Mutual eye roll.