the skinny

Well, here it is. The long awaited third resolution........

As most people do, I have pondered what I can do differently this year to make a difference with my health. I have gained a lot of weight over the past year and I have blamed it all on stress but really, when I think about it, blaming my problems on external forces just gets me to fatville faster than a bat out of hell. If I want to blame things I can't really control for problems in my life then I suppose I might be the biggest victim out there. And I don't mean big as in fat.

For 20 years, or 18 but I'll round up for the sake of ease, I have been either getting fat or getting skinny. I don't have a 'normal' like other people have a 'normal'. I either binge or I starve. That is who I have become.

I have spent many hours, and by many I mean like a bazillion, trying to figure out what's broken in my head. Something is broken, I know it is. I look in the mirror and I'm never pleased with what I see but when I look at pictures of myself I am shocked because that is not what I see in the mirror. Something is broken but it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because I am done having external forces decide my weight. But more than that I am done with my weight dictating my worthiness as a person. Being fat doesn't mean I can't have nice clothes and being fat doesn't mean I can't have friends. Being fat doesn't mean I don't deserve my husband's love, or my kid's respect, and it doesn't mean that I don't deserve happiness.

I have given my life to my 4 children and there has been a physical consequence to that but I am fat because I choose to be. It really is just that simple. I am fat because I eat too much and that has nothing to do with anyone but me. Do I have a slow metabolism? Probably. Are my bones heavier than yours? I think they are because I have done the tests that say they are. But these are not reasons to have a weight problem.

So this year I have decided to do things differently. I have decided not to focus on a number, a number that has been achieved a few times in my life but never maintained. I have decided to not "diet" anymore. I have decided that what I am doing does not work. Not even one little bit.

I have given up the scale for a year. This is my third resolution.

I will not have a number on the scale dictate to me my worthiness as a human being, at least not for a year. I will not have the constant trying and ultimate failure of reaching an unreachable goal be what I obsess about every minute of every day. I will not have a piece of chocolate tell me that I have failed....again.

Don't get me wrong. I have not given myself permission to eat the things I love, which is not salad by the way. I haven't given myself permission to maintain a lifestyle that ultimately leads to unhappiness and poor health. Because I don't like being fat but apparently my dislike for 'it' isn't enough for me not to be 'it'.

(Rule number one: don't use the word fat anymore.)

Therefore, I have decided that instead of dieting I am going to experiment with different lifestyles, try out different things, give things up, always strive for healthiness. But I'm going to do it on my terms and not some gimmick diets terms and certainly not by the scales terms. I'll need to decide what those terms are though and I'll need to actually obey my own rules. This is the scary part. My effort and how I feel about that effort will be how I decide if I am trying hard enough or if I am on the right track, it won't be that blasted number on that hateful scale.

Diets work, of course they do. I would know, I've tried every one of them. That isn't my problem. I can lose weight with the best of them but because my brain is broken I don't keep the weight off. So I'm not dieting anymore. Instead, I am going to fix my broken mind and change my everyday instead of just the time it takes to lose the weight.

Every month of 2011 I will be picking a theme for the month. A theme that promotes health and well being. January was exercise. I spent the month getting myself into a routine and focusing on just the exercise. It has been rough because I am so big right now but I do like to exercise and I know it's good for my health therefore I'll do it.

February I am giving up sugar for a month. Very scary indeed. I figure within a month I'll know if not eating sugar helps my mind to feel better and therefore my body as well.

Every weekend I'll check in and I'll call it 'the skinny'. The urban dictionary defines 'the skinny' as this:
Summarization of events. What happened or what the point is or whatever without using 10,000 words. (Clearly this post does not fit this definition. So sue me.)

For example:

me- blah blah blah.. like blah blah blah... and then.. blah blah blah....and it was blah blah blah and then I was like blah blah blah

you- so what's the skinny? did you eat the flippin' sugar or not?

me- no.

Future posts won't be as long as this one. Unless I want them too. Just kidding, no they won't. Okay, maybe they will. The point is: if you don't care about it then don't read any post called 'the skinny'

Capiche?

I have a pretty good exercise routine going. I am lazy and pretty much stick to what I know which is the treadmill and the elliptical. I have tons of DVD's that are fun and a good workout and hopefully I'll give them a go sooner than later. I run/walk three times a week (I'm following a running program - see previous post for the book) and the other 2 or 3 times is a combination of walking and the elliptical. I always do an hour of cardio when I workout.

So here is the skinny on January:
week1: 24.67 miles
week2: 23.52 miles
week3: 15.16 miles (can you tell I had a little visitor this week?)
week4:19.09 miles

I am finding that 5 workouts of an hour cardio a week is really hard and my body aches so starting in February I am going to do four days and two days of yoga. It's hard when you're a cardio junkie to feel that yoga is really any kind of exercise but it's better than nothing. Right?

So there it is. This is the beginning of something great, I can feel it in my bones. It's also the end to a life that is all I really know. I am a cliche. Things need to change and this is where I start. My instincts will take me to a place that is familiar. A place where I'll want to diet but my new goals will force me to put my focus elsewhere. And by changing one bad habit or introducing one good habit at a time hopefully, maybe, I'll be able to change my normal to something healthy and consistent.

Stay tuned, because I'm pretty sure that week number one of no sugar will be a you-know-what. If you know what I mean.......

Wait till you see what craziness March has to bring.