how come all the good crap never happens to me?

I've been pretty quiet this past week and in the interest of saving you having to endure my whiny-ness, due to the fact that I am having a hard time seeing that silver lining I hear so much about, I thought I would just lay low for a bit.

However, today I was out and about and when I got home I checked facebook and low and behold, there were two of my regular blogs that I read asking people to vote for them to be ........ something??......and win something???

I don't know what it was for but in my wee pity party, that I was throwing all by my lonesome, I was all "How come I never get nominated for stuff?" And "I know I'm a tiny blog but I have feelings too." And "Man, this is just like high school, everyone hates me, nobody likes me and I think I'll go.......spray paint the wall outside auto shop."

What?

Enter the 'check email' portion of my commiserating and BOOM, there it was, my very own, personal, shiny nomination.

So if you would be so kind...........

VOTE FOR ME AND NOT ANY OF THOSE OTHER PUNK NOMINEES! Sorry, blogging friends whom I actually do love dearly, but I won't be voting for you. I'll be voting for me.

Is that allowed?

You can vote once a day until November 17th.

Do it....I know you want to. Every single day.

I'll be your best friend.

Actually, this is true. I will be your best friend. All those others bloggers will lie to you and tell you they love you and give you things. But it's all empty promises.

I am dead freaking serious. Okay.... no I'm not.

I promise not to stalk you which may result in want for restraining orders and other such sundry inclinations.

Here's where you click the link and make all my dreams come true: Circle of Moms Top 25 Canadian Mom Blogs

So, I thank you in advance and the cheque is on its way.

Woops, was that my outside voice?

the sunday afternoon nap

I do not understand the Sunday afternoon nap. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. It is a blessing and a curse. At least, this is my experience with it.

It all started Saturday evening. Actually it started about 14 years ago but I'm sure there were times between then and now that I wasn't actually tired.

Saturday afternoon I was tired though. Really tired. And premenstrual which was not helping the situation. Saturday was a busy day. I took the kids to a movie at 9 am. It was fun but it was the beginning of a long tiring day.

We had a showing. Annoying.

Then..... hot yoga. I dozed off at 3. That's pretty tired and you know how I know that's pretty tired? Because I was lying face down with cork blocks under my shoulders and I still managed to doze off.

The instructor said "put your blocks like this, lie face down and relax."

Me, in my head, "um, no. That looks horrible and there is no way I am lying face down with cork under my shoulders. That would hurt. This is ridiculous."

I think she read my mind. "Just try," she said right into my eyes.

I tried.

Zzzzzzzz.............

Who knows how long later she opened her mouth and gently coaxed us back to reality, "start putting life back into your fingers and toes."

"No," I whispered into the floor. "I want to die here, just like this. In a hot room that smells like lemon grass."

Anyway, naturally, at some point, they kicked me out.

Push forward to Saturday night. PMS is raging. I sent the man a text in the afternoon that read "I HAVE PEEEEEEEEE EMMMMMMMM SSSSSSSSSSS"

This was code for "COME HOME NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW"

He doesn't speak this delicate code so he missed the point entirely. I don't understand this. We've been married for 16 years. How is it he doesn't speak the code yet?

Hold up!!!! He speaks the code, doesn't he? He just claims ignorance!!! I get it now. Oh, he is so dead when he gets home.

When he did finally get home on Saturday I ordered that gourmet pizza be placed in front of me real quick-like. He obliged. He is a good man regardless of his ability to feign ignorance to my oh so subtle mind games.

This is where the real party started. I ate too much. My 14 year old daughter went to her first dance. I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. She came home at 11:45. I went to bed but slept like garbage.

All right, this now brings us to the Sunday afternoon nap. Did you ever think we would get here?

Me neither.

3 hours of church wipes me out EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. It always has and I have sneaking suspicions it always will. Plus......do I need to say it? I was premenstrual. There, I said it. This means that after lunch my family kindly invited me to take a time out ALONE in my room so as to not terrorize them anymore.

I obliged. I'm nice like that.

I'm reading a book right now that has created in me a very bizarre reaction. I don't mind the book. In fact, I'm quite enjoying it. But from the outside looking in one would think it bores me to distraction. I can read 10 pages at a time and then I must sleep.

So I read 10 pages and then I slept.

The Sunday afternoon nap.

Wonderful, warm, cozy. It comforted me like no other could. It was needed but it was also the cause of all sleep destruction.

Many hours after I woke, making it perfectly clear to everyone that I wanted to watch tv, I waited for the man to finish his game. Once the baseball game was finally over, and I say finally because I swear that game was 14 hours long, the man relinquished control of the remote and I watched Sister Wives in bafflement and then Urban Suburban in boredom. It was 11pm. I knew I was not falling asleep unaided so I popped a little blue doozey and waited until it decided to take me away. In the mean time I read my book. 10 pages.

Out.

Awake.

Out.

Awake.

Out.

Awake. Awake. Awake. Awake.........

Blast that stupid Sunday afternoon nap. Why do you do this to me?

The moral of this story, or morals, because there are many:

-more tv's with cable might be needed in this house.
-the man speaks pms, he just pretends he doesn't.
-14 is too young to dance with boys.
-Sunday afternoon naps will wreck a person, medicated or otherwise.
-PMS provides endless amounts of entertainment/torture for me.....and for you.

and so goes the cycle

I'm having one of those weeks where the good and the bad are balancing out and it's confusing unto me. I am discombobulated.

For example, I came home the other day to three diarrhea inducing phone messages but then there were three excited jittery nerves felt in the stomach emails.

Things to dread. Things to be excited for. I guess the good news is that they both leave my stomach in knots and the end result is the same for me, physically.

How is a sick stomach good news? Hmmmm, good question. Just go with it.

On my birthday I was angry with my iPhone for freezing up on me and being a punk and I smacked it. This might be the worst segue in the history of bad segues and I am wondering what the first three sentences of this post have to do with anything.

I simply do not know. Carry on. Back to smacking the phone.

Why would you smack the phone? You are wondering, I know you are. Why would anyone smack an inanimate object? It's not like the iPhone cares to be disciplined. It's not like anything was learned from that experience. Well I learned one thing about jade bracelets but nothing I couldn't have guessed with relatively reasonable accuracy.

However, in that moment, frustrated and needing to feel the strength of my own feminine "nothing gets in the way of me and what I want" power, I wanted to punch something.

So I did.

Except........my jade bracelet got in the way and shattered the screen. On my birthday.

Shame. Head hanging heavy.

Everyone looked at me like "what have you done?" and "how can you be so cruel?" and "it's just a poor defenseless iPhone."

Shame.

It still worked though so happy birthday to me.

So, I used it and caressed it and made it feel loved.

I may need to tend a naughty parenting class.

However, this poor battered and shattered screen invoked in the man a need.

A yearning.

A desire that would not be resisted.

The longing to take something apart.

He started researching how to fix screens. How to dismantle the delicacy that is known as appleware.

He came home 2 days ago with a brand new screen and said this: "It's looks so easy on the internet. Shouldn't take but 5 minutes."

It was 9:30 at night.

My gut, which is pretty bang on when it comes to instincts related to my husband, said two things to me.

1. not tonight. 5 minutes is code for 2 hours. Tell him to do it tomorrow.

and

2. say good bye to your beloved. Kiss him farewell for the end is nigh.

I gave my phone a kiss and said "am I kissing my baby good bye?" To which the man replied, "don't be so dramatic."

I waited up for him since I thought it might be rude to go to bed whilst he was performing such delicate surgery on something I consider to be sort of child-like unto me. At one point he dropped a miniscule screw on the floor and dared to look for it.

"You'll never find it," I said encouragingly.

"You have to think positively," he responded.

"I was......."

Anyway, when all is said and done, the new screen on my phone is beautiful, no question. It's smooth and shatter free and my eyes thank him.

The fact that the home button only works when it chooses is only mildly annoying. Which is code for "I want to punch something. Maybe an iPhone?"

Last night I saw him scavenging kijiji looking for old iPhones with broken screens that someone may want to sell him.

Need.

Yearning.

Desire.

Longing.


And so goes the cycle.

all things skinny

Here's a random catch up, of sorts:

First of all, I am 15 classes into my 30 hot yoga classes in 30 days challenge. Seeing as how it is the 15th, I think I'm a rock star. Zip it if you feel otherwise. No one asked you. I will save my feelings and thoughts on hot yoga for the 31st of this month.

Can she do it?? Only 16 more days will tell.

Second of all, I need ideas for my November goal. I am running thin in the creativity department so I am taking suggestions. If you don't help me then I may have to let my kids, or even worse, the man determine what it is and you don't want that for me.

Trust me, you don't.

What are your thoughts, pray tell?


Third of all, if you live in Calgary or very close to it and you have blood inside your body, and unless you are a secret vampire then I know you do, I need you to do something very important for me. I need you to go here and read this and then come back.

Well, go on. I'll wait for you.

Okay, now. I need you to email me and tell me that you are willing to share your precious blood with three people who may die without it. Is this dramatic enough for you?

Seriously though, I'm not joking around here, people may die. And you can help.

After you get over your anger that I have successfully and diabolically guilted you into doing something you aren't all that comfortable in doing I need you to email me at cddabels@telus.net and tell me that you would love to help, or be a part of, and I will tell you what you need to do next.

I'm asking nicely. Can you see me batting my long luscious lashes at you?

Pretty please?? Think about it. Please. November 4th. You and me.

It's altruism and a plain ol' good time wrapped up all pretty-like with a bow.

am i right? or am i right?

So I'm starting a new segment on my blog called 'Am I right? Or am I right?" Today is the kick off. It will involve a disagreement of sorts between me and the man or me and someone else or the man and someone else or you and me or you and someone else or you and the man or..............I think you see my point.

I'll tell you who the disagree-ers are and what the disagreement is about without revealing who is on what side.

Capiche?

Then you weigh in and tell me who's right. Then I can prove to the man, once and for all, that I am always right. I mean....... we can settle it fair and square.

Here it goes.

Disagree-ers: me and the man

Disagreement: flossing

One of us thinks that it's okay to floss anywhere and everywhere. The other one thinks flossing is akin to toileting and should only be done in the comfort of your bathroom, by yourself.

One of us thinks it's okay to carry around one of these.....



.....everywhere we go and pull it out as we drive. The other one of us thinks it's disgusting and can't believe the rude brazenness of the other.

One of us thinks it's okay to leave it lying in the cup holder when we're done with it to keep it safe for later use. Or on the counter. Or the kitchen table. Or the bathroom counter. Or the.........need I go on?

The other one thinks it is just plain bad manners to leave such a thing lying around. Again, akin to toileting. One wouldn't leave their used toilet paper lying around would they?

So. Here is where you come in. In the comments below or on my facebook page tell me who is right here? If it isn't me then I will bake up a big ol' humble pie and eat it for dinner but I suspect.........

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Do tell.

the fortune teller

A few weeks ago the man asked me what I wanted for my birthday dinner. I thought about it for days because heaven forbid I should screw it up. I would have to wait another 364 days to try again. 364 days is far too much waiting.

I decided I wanted Chinese food. It's been forever since I had that greatness. I also decided that I would take the children with us because I'm pretty sure I've never been nice enough to include them in my birthday dinner before. Naturally they were thrilled when I told them. And even more doubly naturally they were ecstatic when I told them it was going to be a buffet.

Buuuuuffffeetttt...........................

When you have two boys who think food is air, buffet's seem, naturally, the way to go.

It was fun, and yummy and as it turns out the best decision I have ever made.

You see, all of my stress and worry is gone from my life now. I went out for Chinese food. Buffet, no less. And now everything is coming up Catie. I feel no more stress or anxiety. All my fears of living in a van down by the river have vanished. The wait is over.

Buying this house, renovating it, going temporarily broke until it sells, having it take 8+ months to sell, have all led me to this place where stress is dessert and sleeplessness is my best friend. And the waiting.....oh mercy, the waiting has taught me all kinds of delicious patience and long suffering.

But it's over. You know how I know?

The fortunes told me so. 6 fortunes and my life will never be the same.

Fortune 1: Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

I always heard this but now I know it's true.

Fortune 2: Your financial situation will soon be improving.

Well, it's about bloody time.

Fortune 3: New financial resources will soon be available to you.

Two financial fortunes? Can you believe my luck? I can't wait to get the call that a long lost relative has died and left me millions. Wait a minute........ maybe all those spam emails I get about dying people wanting to give me money are not spam after all.

Fortune 4: You will soon be crossing warm waters for a fun vacation.

Honestly, I don't care how warm the waters are. I'm not picky.

Fortune 5: You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.

Ummmm........ settling?? Satisfactorily? As long as it's with my millions I guess I'm okay with settling. Satisfactorily.

Fortune 6, the best of all. Wait for it...........

Wait for it.........

You will bring sunshine into someone's life.

Well, I'll be. Little ol' me? Being all sunshine-like? Whoever woulda thunk it?

Miracles really can happen.