anxiety

In an effort to alleviate some of my anxiety I thought I would do the opposite of what I have been doing. Lately there has been an issue that has plagued my mind. It haunts me in my sleep, or lack thereof, and sends me racing to the toilet when Montezuma's revenge hits if I think too much about it. So I just don't think about it. I'm not entirely sure this is working for me.

I don't think about it, or try not to anyway because there is nothing I can do about it right now. Simple as that.

I am a planner though so not thinking about it at all eats me up inside. I have to plan, it's who I am. But how does one plan when there is nothing to plan at the current moment. This type of thinking drives the man NUTS! He's not a planner though so he simply does not understand. In order to keep his anxiety down I don't plan things with him until there is something to plan so he thinks I am not actually stressing about it, but I am. This does not contribute to marital bliss, that I can assure you. I'm occasionally unhappy with the man because I don't feel free to talk about what is bothering me and because he knows me so well he anticipates what may be bothering me and in an attempt to 'fix' it (like men love to do) he thinks about it on his own time which makes him upset with me. We are like night and day though so when we finally come together to make some plans they are ALWAYS different and then we have to discuss, negotiate, argue, cry (that's me) and then someone gets to compromise. He would say that is always him but because I am sitting in a house in Cochrane right now I can guarantee that it isn't always him.

So what is this life altering, stomach upsetting, sleep stealing issue?

Where am I going to live in September when the lease on this house runs out?

It is almost June. The reno is not done, although it is on it's way. I can't look at a house to buy until we sell the reno. Let's say (hopefully and hypothetically) the reno gets done by June 30 and we list it. Let's say (optimistically) that it sells in the first week or two it is listed. Then let's say the perfect house in Tuscany is for sale (which it actually is right now but most likely won't be in July) and I buy it and I can move in the last week in August. This dream list of events would be the perfect plan. A plan that would allow me to sleep at night, soundly, with no strange noises oozing from my stomach region.

What if the worst case scenario happens and the reno gets done but it doesn't sell. Well that's simple. We move into it.

This is the part I refuse to think about AT ALL. How will I feel if I have to move to Willow Park? And would I want to stay there? Or would I keep trying to sell? We can't foster there but the mortgage is cheap. I could walk to the mall but the ward is full of old people. My children would hate me but....... I've got no upside for that one. Would I ever see my sister again? Would my brother and his wife come to visit?

I know in my heart that I would not want to stay there so that would mean another move. It could be worse, much worse and I know that.

So the good news is: I feel better. At least I own a house and won't be homeless.

The reno has a sweet theatre and if I have to move there then I will go into that theatre and cry while I watch my favourite movies and try to NOT think about another move with 5 children who have to change schools every time I uproot their little bodies against their will.

Also, I must remind myself that I signed up for this but in all my wisdom and brilliance I threw in an 'out clause' when I agreed to the moving and renovating.

I am one smart planner.