hefty goals

So this week I announced a big goal to lose 30 pounds by my birthday. And then I ate my body weight in Cadbury Mini Eggs.

I blame the stress. And the PMS. There is so much stress.

And so much PMS.

And herein lies my problem. Or one of them anyways. I always have something to blame.

I am really good at blaming at myself as well. I am not above blaming myself so don't you worry your pretty little heads. But, you have to admit, it is a whole lot easier to blame the stress, when there is stress. And when there's no stress I'll find something else to blame.

This is just another thing I get to work on over the next few months.

Hey! It's like a renovation. And I am a super pro at renovating. This should be a piece of cake.

Seriously though, I have put on about 40 pounds since I sold my little happy house in my little happy neighbourhood and began living this high strung, stressed out existence.

I lived by the motto "I'll deal with it when it's over". And I have learned that waiting to deal does not work. Sometimes the "it" never ends.

Youknowwhatimean?

Last year, one of my resolutions was to not weigh myself for the entire year and letmetellyou, it was bliss.

By the end of the year, however, I could feel my jeans getting snug. In February of this year I weighed myself. It had been 14 months. And in that 14 months I put on 16 pounds.

As blissful as the not knowing was, too many years of that and I will be a serious contender for some very serious sumo wrestling competitions. Never mind some very serious health issues, I'm sure.

I loved not having to worry about the number on the scale. No obsession. But I will concede that when you have a weight issue ignoring the number on the scale is not the best idea, especially if you haven't given up the problem eating.

The balance, I guess, comes from knowing the number but not being ruled by the number. I have made some big changes in that area but I have a long way to go. For example, I bought some really nice clothes. Clothes that fit. I no longer live by the "I'll buy new, nice stuff when I lose the weight but in the meantime I have to dress like an overweight homeless person." No offense to the homeless. Especially the over weight ones. There is no reason I can't look decent at this weight. Or any weight. That is a stupid rule.

And I forsake it.

I have joined forces with a friend who also feels her weight is a battle worth fighting. Sadly, I feel as though I have not motivated her as of late since every night I report that I have not exercised nor have I eaten well.

But, every battle has to start somewhere. And being linked to another person who gets it makes a big difference for me.

Every Friday we weigh ourselves, or this is the plan anyway, but I have either been out of town or forgotten for the last three weeks. Tomorrow I'll weigh and compare it to the last weight and we'll go from there. I'll report to you every ten pounds.

I won't bore you all year with my woes of weight. When I do have a thought worth sharing I'll share it on Fridays.

I need to make exercise a passion again. After I had my first baby I sunk so far into an abyss of despondency I actually wondered if my lifetime ambition to have babies was something that was going to kill me with sadness. I thought maybe I didn't want to have babies if it meant being that unhappy. I sought medical advice which is not something I do. My doctor said "get some regular, consistent HARD exercise and report back to me in 4 weeks". So I did. But within 2 weeks that darkness had lifted and I was a different person.

Exercise became my anti-depressant. It was my drug. And I was religious in the partaking of it.

Sometimes I wonder if that darkness hasn't resettled in my soul and is slowly stealing my sunshine. Sadly, that darkness keeps me from doing the things for myself that I know will lighten my spirits. I hope to find that lightness again, I know the exercise will push chemicals through my brain that I need.

I know. But I don't do.

This this is my battle.

My mum always says, "there are worse things in life than being fat. It's just that being fat is so obvious."

My mum is so smart. She is right and I remember daily the things that I don't have. I don't have sick children. I don't have a tragedy that weighs me down. I don't have many of the difficulties that others have to deal with. My life is actually pretty easy. And I am grateful.

What I do have is a healthy body. What I could have is a healthier body.

It's hard to "want it" when I have done it so many times and I know how hard it's going to be. I could write a book about weight loss and all the different ways to do it.

I just don't want it right now. What I do want, though, is for this time next year to be ending this journey instead of contemplating it's beginning (again) like I have been for so long.

I want to "want it." I need to "want it".

So until I do "want it" I am going to fake it. Next week I will exercise like a person who is in love with their exercise.

Let's see where that takes us, shall we?